I’m sitting here trying to send off a text that is taking me like 10 minutes to send, because it involves me being vulnerable and asking for money. Even though I genuinely need it, it is still so hard to ask and put myself out there. So I’m like $415 dollars away from being kicked out of my apartment. I hate asking folk to do help me in any way because I dislike rejection and just have an all-around hang-up in regards to asking for help or being taken care of. Yeah, I said it. I have a real issue. Because I know I can’t do it all by myself all the time and I need to get over the fact that I don’t like to be taken care of or given to sometimes. Because it is the way of the world, it is a cycle, you give in order to receive. So if I can freely give then I must make amends with freely receiving.
So I let down my ego, pride, whatever it is that has me this way and asked my family to assist me. The struggle is real. These past months I have been going through and some days I did not know whether I was coming or going. Did not know where food was going to come from, rent was going to come from, transportation cost , all that. But somehow I have survived. I have managed, I have gone without and I have been provided for. But in this very moment I am perplexed trying to come up with the rest of what I owe. Perplexed…..trying to figure out what decision works best towards the whole. (more on that later)
So I asked my mother, my sister, my dad, my best friend from college, my favorite auntie, and a close friend who I shouldn’t be asking because she is always there for me. So far my mommy and my sister has covered half and I have until Thursday to get the rest. So affirmations and intentions are in place, I hope that you can say a few for me. I am going to grasp hold of a title one of my teachers gave me….Abundance Creator and manifest the remaining $200 so that I can live another day without stress.
But here is the lesson, yes there is always one. The real issue is trying to uphold a certain perspective of how people view me. That’s the real issue. I have a problem with how others see me and what they think of me, especially close family and friends. There are very few people who get to see me at my most vulnerable stages. I try to mask the bad parts of me to everyone I know and don’t know. Not that they are bad, but I want to be viewed positively. I somehow picked up caring what people think of me at some age, after a time when I didn’t care. But now I do. I have to shed that. So the lesson is you can’t always live a life of caring what others may think of you, you have to put down the mask and show your vulnerability. It is not always sunshine and moonlight. Today, I became a little closer to unveiling and putting down the mask. I did something that I did not want to do, but it had to be done. It was either ask or pack up. So I decided to ask. What are some things or habits you find hard to let loose of or have a hard time doing?